I was born to be anxious. Really, I think I was born to die. But I didn't. Every day I live seems like another day I was never supposed to.
I was born with a severe, life-threatening, heart condition that went undetected in the hospital after birth. My mother was sent home with what she thought was a "healthy baby". I was far from healthy. My mother noticed some concerning things when I was around one week old. She noticed that I was breathing funny and my color wasn't right. My dad and grandparents didn't agree, and thought she was just being a paranoid "new" mom. I'm her second child, so she wasn't exactly new at this, just new with me. She tried to agree with them. She wanted to agree with them, but she just had that instinct telling her something was not right.
My ninth day of life should have been my last. I was straining to breath. My nostrils were flaring. My color was getting bluish.
My mother rushed me to the pediatrician. She said that she walked in the waiting room and the doctor was behind the desk speaking with the nurses. He saw me and immediately rushed over to me saying that we had to go to the hospital that very instant. At this point, the soft spot at the top of my head was bulging. The doctor took me from my mother's arms and he and a nurse left in his car headed to Arkansas Children's Hospital with my mother following in her car.
When my mother arrived at the hospital, she remembers having papers shoved at her to be signed with nurses and doctors telling her they didn't know if I was going to make it. They were prepping me for heart surgery and she needed to sign the consent forms right away. They informed her that I had a serious heart condition and they weren't sure how long the oxygen had been deprived from my brain, so there was a high probability of brain damage if I did come through the surgery. She signed the forms.
Here I am today. Twenty-six years old, healthy heart, three healthy children, and a very unhealthy mind. I was given a second chance at life and I have let fear keep me from living.
Was dying that day my destiny? Did I tempt fate? When will I die? I fear death because I was death. When will I be able to take this gift of life and truly live it?
Anxiety is my life.
I want better.
I will take my life back.
